just.a.whisper

i'm flat broke.
i'm behind on my bills again.
i am failing so badly at keeping up with my cognitive psych class.
and i don't want to complain to the professor that the software for the class is destroying my computer.
because he'll tell me to drive to campus and use the lab computers.
but i have no gas money to be driving back and forth to campus every night.
i should just drop the class.
i already missed a lab that was 10% of my grade.
and i got a 68 on my first test.
mind you the test was a 25 question multiple choice. meaning i got 17 right.
not that bad, normally.. but when you do the percentages... i'm fucked.
god damn it.
and the thing is, i love the class. i KNOW the material.
i know it better than most of the people in the class and i understand it better than most of the people there.
but i fucked up.
and now i'm paying the price.
and my apartment is a wreck.
and joe is still looking for a job.
and my head hurts.

i need a break.
no, i really just need to pull my head out of my ass and take care of my life.
i've lost touch.

 

so austin moved out.
i feel weird. like i'm happy about it but it's eerily quiet.
i'm redecorating :) and i bought some new things for myself, as seen above.
i fucking love etsy.
a wallet, a cigarette case, pins, and a beatles scrabble tile pendant.
loveeee it.

the paul mccartney concert was fantastic.
joe was amazing and he's still making me so very happy. 
 
life is good.

lift_ur_spirits: i'll be sending your mix cd in the the next week! sorry for the delay! <3

i need book suggestions!
when i get paid, i'm making a massive investment in my library.
anything and everything.
books that have changed the world.
books that will make me laugh.
books that will teach me something.

if you can think of anything, please let me know. :)

<3

 

 

Poll #1379601
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 2

Should I go vegan?

i've been working on some lists of things that need to change. lists of goals and priorities. i'm hoping that if i get my thoughts in order, my actions will follow.

my heart was hurting for the most of the day. i feel like i've hurt people who have been very actively a part of my life for 6 years. but, on the other hand, i don't think they realized how much their actions affected me. maybe this will wake them up. maybe we'll never be as close as we were before. but i do have to say that one person, who i never necessarily thought of as one to cheer me up or reassure me, did a really amazing job of putting my heart at ease. now, i just need to keep my distance from what's going on and hope that everyone can keep a level head.

i made the first of my shopping bags last night. they're turning out really nice. i did french seams on the side for support and the handles are triple stitched with strongboxes where they attach to the bag. they go really fast once the fabric is cut and ironed.

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i've been thinking all night. making lists, organizing. it's been good to clear my head.

change of clothes and lunch are packed for tomorrow.
priorities are getting straight.

<3

saturday i worked from about 7 am until 3:15 pm. it was enjoyable for the most part. bob seemed to enjoy himself and we did what we normally do on saturdays- eat and watch tv and do chores. saturday afternoon, vicki came down from maryland. i love love love what that girl does to my soul. i love that she makes me look beyond myself. she makes me see that my suffering isn't what i think it is. she makes me want so much more.

she's been going through a really rough time and i was so glad to be able to bring a smile to her face. her heart is so generous.

we went out to lunch at sammy t's with vicki and whitney. delicious =). then we piled in the car and drove up to the barn and spent some time with whitney's horse. i love that horse <3. vicki's germophobia was in high gear, of course.

saturday night, austin bought us a 12 pack to split. of the 12 pack, i had 6, vicki had 4.5, austin had 1.5. now, let me preface this by saying that getting drunk isn't something i do anymore. i hadn't had a drink in 6 months. i don't like being out of control of my emotions or actions. in the process of getting mind-spinningly drunk, i apparently struck up a few conversations on aim that i did not recall when i woke up. thank god for chat logs. i have no idea why i wanted to talk so much, but it actually helped in a weird roundabout way. i found myself being a lot more honest and forthcoming than i have been with anyone in quite some time.

i feel... renewed.

this morning, i rolled out of bed at about 8:30, having laid down to sleep around 2 am. i got online, i read the craziness that ensued last night, and i packed a picnic for the group of us. met up with samantha at the park and had a lovely pb&j lunch. we pretty much laid around the apartment until 5 pm. around that time, we went out for sushi and then vicki was on her way back. i miss her a lot already and i'm looking forward to her coming down again.

thank you to the very very few people who have been honest with me. i cherish that. don't mess with my head. don't lie to me. if people learn anything about me it should be that i hate being lied to. i hate lies and i hate broken promises. do NOT promise me something unless you intend to produce. i refuse to lower my expectations just because you can't seem to follow through. there are no excuses. now, i'm not saying that i am perfect about these things. in fact, i spent much of my life saying exactly what everyone wanted to hear. and i've never been as responsible for myself as i should be. but, as long as i am TRYING, i expect those i care about to TRY as well.

<3

"beauty i'd always missed with these eyes before
just what the truth is, i can't say anymore..."
 

i meant to add this into the last entry but i have to ask a favor of anyone reading this. can you send a few prayers out for my granny. she's 81 years old and has a bronchial infection. she's been bedridden for a while and i'm worried for her. we're driving to pennsylvania this coming thursday to see her and i just want to see her heal. she's an amazingly strong woman. she raised 4 children on her own, working 2 jobs. she lost her leg in a car accident in 1974, had to learn how to walk again, and has been on a prosthetic ever since. please please please pray for her, send her your positive thoughts. she could use them. thank you!


"And it starts when you fall
It ends when you change your life
Give you my soul,
As long as you find your way."

<3

victoriaclaire is coming to visit me tonight. oh, joy! i haven't had anyone sleep over in quite some time and i know that i'm going to get absolutely no sleep tonight. she brings out the kid in me. i'm talking ice cream, girly movies, sobbing over my girl and giggling over my cats. i can't wait. i can honestly say that every time she comes to visit i get rejuvenated. i always feel a renewed sense of love in my heart when she is around. and she makes me feel how strong i can be.

on another subject entirely, i have been feeling pulled in a few different directions lately. i can honestly say that i've lived most of my life without opinions on the things that seem important to everyone else in my age group. i have not done the research that i should. and, contrary to popular belief, college does not teach you how to think and talk about current events, or even historical events- that is, unless you are a political science or history major. i happen to be a psychology major and i could tell you exactly how i feel about irradicating vaccinations to prevent autism or whether or not the one-way anova is robust when the homogeneity of variances assumption is violated. but, i can't tell you how i feel about iraq. it seems like, day to day, my opinions change. and, i've come to realize, they change depending on the people that i'm surrounded by. that is a sad state of affairs. i'm really working on fighting for my beliefs but i've spent the majority of my life apologizing for myself and submitting so that i won't stand out.

i was driving to work yesterday and i happened to look over and see an older man begging, cardboard sign in hand. now, i probably pass this same man at least 4 times a week but yesterday i started sobbing. just lost it. i've realized something that i don't think i knew about myself before. i feel for people a lot more deeply than i do for myself. i ached for this man. i wanted so much to pull over hand him cash, a sandwich, clothing, anything. every day i do this. there are people in my life that i bend over backwards for because i want to heal them. i don't know what this says about me. does it mean that i'm a doormat? or does it simply mean i care? where do you draw the line?

i don't believe in condemning the homeless for their position in life. i've been nearly homeless a few times in my life and i can tell you that it was not for my dad's lack of trying. i can remember sitting in the garage, watching him work until after dark so that he could get paid maybe a few hundred dollars extra. when i was 14 years old, our electricity was turned off for 3 months. he reattached it. they took the box off of the house. he bought an illegal box and hooked it up again. we lived with blankets over our windows so that people wouldn't see the lights on. they took the illegal box and disconnected it all the way up the pole. my birthday was coming up and my father CLIMBED THE UTILITY POLE to hook it back up. when he couldn't, he broke down and cried. i have only seen my father cry maybe twice in my whole life. we were not lazy. i was 14 years old and even i was trying to find a job. my mother had a drug problem and it ruined our finances. so, if my father had been on the side of the road, would you have ignored him? would you have blamed him for his position? would you have helped him?

<3

i'm tired of living sloppily.

i broke down after talking to whitney. not in a loss of mental function kind of breakdown. but just one of those moments when you feel your body and your mind give up. i climbed into the hottest shower i think i've ever taken, made some tea, and worked on pinning the fabric for justin's bags. but, even now, i'm completely exhausted. i feel like i have run an emotional marathon. i don't know why. i haven't cried. i haven't lashed out. i just feel... numb. i feel like i'm wasting time. i feel like i've had 2 days off and i haven't done anything with them. i want so much more from my life but i let things get in the way. let's be frank- i'm lazy.

i want so much to change it. there are 140 pounds that i need/want/hope to lose. there are goals that i have for this year. i want a car. i want to finish some projects. i want to be rid of the negativity in my life. i want to improve my credit. i just can't make myself work the way that i used to.

i don't know what's wrong. i don't know if it's the weather, the people around me, or some sort of lingering depression. i just need to break free of this. i've spent so many years feeling sorry for myself. i'm tired of being THAT person. but i don't know how to break loose from the memories and feelings i've had for so long. help?

<3

new "diet" plan:
2400 calories a day.
burn at least 400 calories per day at the gym- cardio, strength training.
swimming when the weather is warmer.
meat-free.
whole grains.
more soy proteins.
multi-vitamin.

looking at a loss of 140 pounds in the next year.
i will need support from friends and family, but i'm doing it this time.

any ideas?

<3

PS: where did my warm weather go???

"Will you sing me a song?
Make me feel what you play?
Do your words make you strong?
Can they make me feel the same?
Are the notes from your heart?
Are there tears on the page?
Does it tear you apart
When you sing your words to me?"

my fortune cookie reads: "Have a beautiful day."

i'm simmering at varying levels of angsty with a side of self-pity. some nights, my job gets down to my core. bob can rattle me sometimes, make me feel helpless. tonight he had a tantrum that was hours long. there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that i could do to stop it. ignoring it didn't seem to help. consoling him didn't help. being stern didn't help. he just kept screaming, kept hitting himself, kept telling me he hated me and wanted to hurt me. he kept banging on the floor. he doesn't make me angry. he doesn't really make me upset. he makes me feel like i am not serving my function. and when i feel like i'm not doing my job right, it really unnerves me. ugh.

i understand that his autism is a mental problem. he cannot make connections that the rest of us can. he does not see past his own needs and perspective. he does not care about anything that you or i want to talk about. he cares about eating, watching tv, and telling people about ben 10 alien force and power rangers. he cares about playing video games. but only until he makes it to a certain level and then he either stops playing or takes out the disc and snaps it. he doesn't want to do chores, make his bed, brush his teeth, or shave. he doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do. he doesn't want to do anything for anyone else. that is bob. and i'm ok with that. i am very understanding when it comes to his disorder.

i get frustrated with myself. and, honestly, i don't understand how sebnem does it every day. she's been living with him for 18 years, through violence and 1300 screams per hour. she has resigned herself to the fact that she will be his caretaker forever. i don't know how she does it. there are moments when he really upsets her. and i know that she gets angry with herself for allowing him to, but she is one of the most loving women i have ever met. there are moments when he sits next to her on the couch, rests his head on her, and tells her he loves her, and i can see that the bond runs deeply between them. he is terrified of his father, and from what i've seen he has a right to be. i just want for her to be able to rest, not to have this stress in her life constantly. she is an amazing woman and i think that her circumstances drag her down.

in the end, i love my job. i love bob and sheb and even ian. i love that i get to do something so rewarding everyday. i'm so glad that i found them.

<3

i just had the weirdest dream. i don't remember all of it but i know that for the last part of it, my boss's husband (or at least it looked like him) was acting as a psychic/medium and telling me about the people who have died around me. honestly, it was disturbing. the people in the dream were completely made up but i felt almost violated. in the dream, i was so awestruck that i kept feeding him information. when i woke up, i realized that i had been giving him all the information he needed, that when you give people information like you they are no longer plausibly psychic, they are just making educated guesses. weird.

my apartment is a mess. i'm so beyond tired of it.

well, today is cleaning, going to the gym, salads with whitney, and work from 3:45 to 8.

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